donderdag 31 maart 2011

Thoughts at 5:45 a.m.

Sleep (or lack thereof)
It's 5.45 a.m. I've been up since 4.30 because my boy hadn't slept yet, had growing pains and needed some TLC. He fell asleep with me rubbing his legs. His huge big boy soccer legs. Such a difference from the small chubby boy legs that I used to rub almost every night.
His not sleeping worries me. He's at home a lot, not going to school, due to the ensuing tiredness. And the school has not bothered to call once. I'm thinking this is a ball that I will pick up once we get back from Berlin.

Berlin
Because YEAH, it's Berlin weekend! Anniversary weekend for hubby and I. We're going with newish friends, so it will be fun to see how our travel plans mesh (or not). They're driving, we're hitching a ride. Really looking forward to it!

Rudeness
Yesterday I was treated quite rudely during a work meeting. Left the meeting feeling really upset and then, on the advice of my husband, decided to write them an e-mail to give them some feedback. Just now I read the reply. Turns out Mr. Rude had mistaken me for someone else. Someone else that he'd e-mailed with but never met, and someone who had pushed his buttons all the wrong way. So all his frustration with this other person was poured out on me. I just have to laugh. So I accepted the apology and wrote back that we would shake hands and recognize each other the next time we met. Glad it wasn't about me, a bit sad that he felt it necessary to be so abrupt with someone he'd never met.

I'll go back and lie down now. For the 40 minutes that's left before the alarm goes off.

woensdag 30 maart 2011

Hopeful

3 days ago I went for a long walk and talk with my husband. 2 days ago I spent 15 minutes on the stepper. Yesterday I visited my sister. Today I spent another 15 minutes on the stepper. I'm almost detecting a pattern. At least there's a pattern in my thoughts, which are turning more towards exercise and some form of bodily motion beyond getting on my bicycle for my little bike trip to work.
Since november I've been pretty consistent in getting up every morning to exercise. After India I lost my flow. I'm hoping to regain it, one small step at a time. Because exercise does help, makes me feel better about myself, makes me feel like I've accomplished something after a long day of office work.

dinsdag 29 maart 2011

Music

My brother in law presents a radio program at our local radio station. Our very local, very small radio station. I never stay up late enough to listen to it, but he sends us the link every two weeks or so. I get a real kick out of listening. It's called gospels from back in the day (or something like that). He puts together an eclectic mix of music which makes me cheerful every time I listen to it. I don't recognize any of the music and yet it sounds familiar in some odd way.


I'm listening right now. The kitchen door is open to let in the spring air. My new purple bike is standing outside waiting to be admired. My hubby has cooked a meal and the sun is shining.

It's a happy time!

maandag 28 maart 2011

Writing

For some reason it's easier for me to write out of the depths of misery, than it is to write when things have returned to an even keel. I also think it's easier to write when I'm sky high. It's the ordinary and the mundane that are hard to put into words that interest me, much less interest someone else.
Life has more or less returned to ordinary here. The sense of loss has decreased. Hubby and I had a very good talk one evening and got ourselves and our marriage back on track. That sounds like it was easy, but it wasn't, and it sure isn't all the time. Marriage is hard work.
I'm finding it hard to motivate myself for the ordinary stuff. So i've made plans for fun stuff. Like visiting my brother, planning a day out with a friend, going away for a weekend, thinking about the summer holidays. And reevaluating the things that I've got going in my life. In theory, I could lose part of my job. So what else would I like to do? I've committed to doing some stuff for church, but is that what I want to do, or is that what I do because I know I can?

zondag 20 maart 2011

Letting in the light

A couple of chats and a bit of a weep have let a little light into my dark thoughts. I always forget how much it helps and tend to shut myself off, or I wait til somebody pokes me before I let my misery show.
Anyhow, I feel like I have my eating habits back on track and feel like I can pick up the threads of my life here again. And, at least in my head, I've opened some doors that were shut for a good long while. I won't be walking through them any time soon, but it's nice to know that there are possibilities, even if I don't make use of them.
It's all about perspective, and hopeful horizons.

zaterdag 19 maart 2011

TCK poem

My life is tethered to a rolling stone
My dreams are anchored in the wind
I come from here
I come from there
in truth, I come from everywhere
My tongue does not have a mother
My language is an open mind
Before I learned how to walk
I already knew how to fly
Comfort to me is a constant motion
Continent to continent
Ocean to Ocean

http://tckacademy.com/tckfilm/

dinsdag 15 maart 2011

Run for the Hills

Running for the hills, that's what I feel like doing. The "return from India hangover" is still hanging over. Leading me to feel pretty useless and crappy about my little life here.
Thinking about it in the car today:
Living here requires me to suck life out of everything that comes my way. Being there makes me feel like I'm receiving life from everything that comes my way. Hard work versus open arms. 
As much as I try, I can't come up with an alternative way of living here. Neither can I imagine myself living there (or elsewhere). Feeling slightly stuck between a rock and a hard place. And also feeling guilty about the whining, because really... what's this all about in the grand scale of things?
Placing things in "perspective" has not yet had the effect of making me more grateful for what I DO have.... yet....

maandag 14 maart 2011

Surprise

This morning I woke up grouchy as hell and had a really tough time convincing myself that it would be good to get up and DO something and GET A GRIP ALREADY!!
I checked my gmail and found the following message:
Hi! This is (old friend from high school). I am in your neighborhood! I would like to get in touch with you. Can you send me your email address?
Before you knew it, this friend who I haven't seen in 21 years was standing on my doorstep with her family. And what a lovely visit it's been! Like the years melted away and we were young again.
It's so very very special when something like this happens, and has done me a world of good.

zondag 13 maart 2011

The bright side

In three weeks we'll be celebrating our 19 year wedding anniversary. Which means that I've been with my husband longer than I've been without him. Having met at the tender age of 18.
We have developed a habit of going away for a weekend around our anniversary date. Last year we stretched our boundaries and went to Praag with good friends. This year we are again going away for a weekend with friends, other friends, and the city of choice is Berlin. I'm looking forward to it all. The drive, the different scenery. Being in a big city, being with friends.
This weekend will also commemorate my husbands last week of work at his job. We'll make an occasion of it, even though he doesn't have a new job yet. Trusting that the future will bring what we need, and happy with the fact that we can chose to afford to go away for a weekend and enjoy the time we'll have together.

zaterdag 12 maart 2011

Room for a view

Yesterday I was talking to my sister about what really brings a perma-grin to my face. On my last day in India I went to a castle on top of a hill overlooking the city we stayed in. And the views, the views! They really brought a smile to my face. Like being in the middle of The Far Pavilions.
I had the same experience in Ethiopia, on my road trip. The views, the views! I love the sense of space, not knowing what is around the corner, the hope that the horizon offers. The hope of new things, unknown things, the promise of a future, of change. It's different that the views Holland has on offer. They are straight and flat, doesn't have the mystery that hills and mountains and valleys and the allure that wandering roads have on offer.
A good view is like hope for the future.

vrijdag 11 maart 2011

Amputated

I was brooding on how I was feeling, after having returned from India feeling hungover. And amputation is what came to mind.
Part of me comes to life in a developing country that lies slumbering when living here. The sights and sounds, the dirt and poverty, the tastes, the air appeal to me and wake me up, make me come to life.
For others a trip to India may be a holiday. You go, enjoy, experience and come home and the holiday chapter is closed. For me it feels like a trip back home and makes me realize what I miss here, in Holland.
But how can you explain that to others? Because for them it's simple. I just went to India for my sisters wedding, what a lovely holiday! How can I explain that something else is stirred in me, that I come back feeling amputated?
I will get used to this feeling and 'forget' how it is to be there and how I come alive. So this feeling of being amputated will thankfully (maybe sorrowfully) subside and life will go back to 'normal'.

maandag 7 maart 2011

It's the little things

It's not the big stuff that gets to me. It's the little things. Like vacuuming with my hair hanging in my face. Or pants that are too tight, or too lose. Or an underwear riding up my butt. Or cleaning the deep fryer (though that may be a big thing).
I often find that I can handle the big stuff that life throws at me with equanimity. Like my husbands job loss, my sons illness, or a move, or a change of job, or anything that resembles a crisis. But the little stuff? That can just really piss me off royally. And make me so grouchy that it has a tendency to ruin my day.
Silly, isn't it? To let something so inconsequential, and often easily fixable, make my mood such a bad one.  How easy is it to tie up my hair when I'm vacuuming, or buy clothes and underwear that fit, or plan to clean the deep fryer when I'm not already tired and fed up?


I'm wondering what little things I can incorporate into my life to make me more pleasant to be around. And what things can I fix, without a huge amount of effort, to make it easier to stay in a good mood.

zondag 6 maart 2011

The times they are a changing

Today I was emptying out my bookcase in my room and sorting through some old stuff. I must have about 10 notebooks that I've started writing in, and some boxes filled with memories. But they're all old. Nowadays I store my memories on facebook, in my e-mail, or in my digital pictures. I don't get a lot of "real" cards, sent through the mail, or read a lot of quotable quotes in the books I read. I make links to my favorite website, I bookmark stuff, I save the funny smses that friends or family send over.

Nowadays, when I need a pick me up, I check my cell phone for incoming messages, or check my facebook profile to see if anybody has jotted a note. Those times certainly are a changing.