What I'm reading

So I'm reading a ton of books right now, and most of them are somewhat intelligent.

Bedoeld Leven, otherwise known as Living a purposeful life: Written especially for women. Hoping to gain some insight out of this. As a life-long struggle seems to be a lack of purpose.

Disappointment with God: Because I am and maybe this will help me deal with it. My dad is a huge Philip Yancey fan. He bought this one when in India on one of his trips to give as gifts here in Holland. I claimed this one for myself.

De Bevrijder, otherwise known as The Bondage Breaker: Herman and I will be doing some counseling type things in the coming weeks, based on this book. Good look into the spiritual world and how I, as a Christian, can deal with it.

The Brain that Changes Itself: Another one of my Dad's. Fascinating look into the plasticity of the human brain through readable case studies.

Walking from East to West: A biography about someone I should know but don't. Glimpse into life in India and his conversion to christianity.

The Mind's Eye: Love me some Oliver Sacks! He always manages to make medical issues come to life. Another one of my Dads favorite authors.

Made to Crave: This one is getting a lot of my attention. The subtitle is satisfying your deepest desire with God, not food. I've read the book, am reading the guidebook, and am watching the video. Here's a one liner from her "If I feel lonely, unhappy and sad in my bigger pair of jeans, I can still feel lonely, unhappy and sad in my smaller pair of jeans".
Today I figured out one of my triggers, why I give in to my food cravings. It's the damaging thought "het maakt toch niets uit" or "it won't make a difference anyway". Which bring me back to the whole disappointed in God thing.

What are you reading, and why?

Living a purposeful life

While at a friends house, getting ready to fix sandwiches for the hardworking men who were cleaning out another friends garden, I found this book.
It grabbed my attention. It should because this is a recurring theme. What's my purpose in life?  And more than that, what is Gods purpose for my life?
I have a bad habit of going in to hiding, or fleeing into doing things instead of facing that question. Part of me fears that I will learn that my purpose in life is to do boring mundane things without acclamation. So I have been very busy finding things to do that give me a fleeting sense of purpose and temporary acclamation. And it's become very tiring. Very very tiring.
Somewhere along the way I have lost touch with God, and lost touch with things that give enduring purpose, real meaning.
So I'm reading this book, trying to take another step on the road to becoming more of a human being, instead of a human doing.

Writing

For some reason it's easier for me to write out of the depths of misery, than it is to write when things have returned to an even keel. I also think it's easier to write when I'm sky high. It's the ordinary and the mundane that are hard to put into words that interest me, much less interest someone else.
Life has more or less returned to ordinary here. The sense of loss has decreased. Hubby and I had a very good talk one evening and got ourselves and our marriage back on track. That sounds like it was easy, but it wasn't, and it sure isn't all the time. Marriage is hard work.
I'm finding it hard to motivate myself for the ordinary stuff. So i've made plans for fun stuff. Like visiting my brother, planning a day out with a friend, going away for a weekend, thinking about the summer holidays. And reevaluating the things that I've got going in my life. In theory, I could lose part of my job. So what else would I like to do? I've committed to doing some stuff for church, but is that what I want to do, or is that what I do because I know I can?

Letting in the light

A couple of chats and a bit of a weep have let a little light into my dark thoughts. I always forget how much it helps and tend to shut myself off, or I wait til somebody pokes me before I let my misery show.
Anyhow, I feel like I have my eating habits back on track and feel like I can pick up the threads of my life here again. And, at least in my head, I've opened some doors that were shut for a good long while. I won't be walking through them any time soon, but it's nice to know that there are possibilities, even if I don't make use of them.
It's all about perspective, and hopeful horizons.

Run for the Hills

Running for the hills, that's what I feel like doing. The "return from India hangover" is still hanging over. Leading me to feel pretty useless and crappy about my little life here.
Thinking about it in the car today:
Living here requires me to suck life out of everything that comes my way. Being there makes me feel like I'm receiving life from everything that comes my way. Hard work versus open arms. 
As much as I try, I can't come up with an alternative way of living here. Neither can I imagine myself living there (or elsewhere). Feeling slightly stuck between a rock and a hard place. And also feeling guilty about the whining, because really... what's this all about in the grand scale of things?
Placing things in "perspective" has not yet had the effect of making me more grateful for what I DO have.... yet....

Room for a view

Yesterday I was talking to my sister about what really brings a perma-grin to my face. On my last day in India I went to a castle on top of a hill overlooking the city we stayed in. And the views, the views! They really brought a smile to my face. Like being in the middle of The Far Pavilions.
I had the same experience in Ethiopia, on my road trip. The views, the views! I love the sense of space, not knowing what is around the corner, the hope that the horizon offers. The hope of new things, unknown things, the promise of a future, of change. It's different that the views Holland has on offer. They are straight and flat, doesn't have the mystery that hills and mountains and valleys and the allure that wandering roads have on offer.
A good view is like hope for the future.

Amputated

I was brooding on how I was feeling, after having returned from India feeling hungover. And amputation is what came to mind.
Part of me comes to life in a developing country that lies slumbering when living here. The sights and sounds, the dirt and poverty, the tastes, the air appeal to me and wake me up, make me come to life.
For others a trip to India may be a holiday. You go, enjoy, experience and come home and the holiday chapter is closed. For me it feels like a trip back home and makes me realize what I miss here, in Holland.
But how can you explain that to others? Because for them it's simple. I just went to India for my sisters wedding, what a lovely holiday! How can I explain that something else is stirred in me, that I come back feeling amputated?
I will get used to this feeling and 'forget' how it is to be there and how I come alive. So this feeling of being amputated will thankfully (maybe sorrowfully) subside and life will go back to 'normal'.

It's the little things

It's not the big stuff that gets to me. It's the little things. Like vacuuming with my hair hanging in my face. Or pants that are too tight, or too lose. Or an underwear riding up my butt. Or cleaning the deep fryer (though that may be a big thing).
I often find that I can handle the big stuff that life throws at me with equanimity. Like my husbands job loss, my sons illness, or a move, or a change of job, or anything that resembles a crisis. But the little stuff? That can just really piss me off royally. And make me so grouchy that it has a tendency to ruin my day.
Silly, isn't it? To let something so inconsequential, and often easily fixable, make my mood such a bad one.  How easy is it to tie up my hair when I'm vacuuming, or buy clothes and underwear that fit, or plan to clean the deep fryer when I'm not already tired and fed up?


I'm wondering what little things I can incorporate into my life to make me more pleasant to be around. And what things can I fix, without a huge amount of effort, to make it easier to stay in a good mood.

The times they are a changing

Today I was emptying out my bookcase in my room and sorting through some old stuff. I must have about 10 notebooks that I've started writing in, and some boxes filled with memories. But they're all old. Nowadays I store my memories on facebook, in my e-mail, or in my digital pictures. I don't get a lot of "real" cards, sent through the mail, or read a lot of quotable quotes in the books I read. I make links to my favorite website, I bookmark stuff, I save the funny smses that friends or family send over.

Nowadays, when I need a pick me up, I check my cell phone for incoming messages, or check my facebook profile to see if anybody has jotted a note. Those times certainly are a changing.